No More Guilt
by Queen of the Fairytales
Summary: My first 1 shot about a girl who feels guilty over getting in an accident that kills her father. A few months later, a new guy comes to town, and makes sure she doesn't feel that way. Fluffy and drama filled, I promise this is a good read!


"And how does that make you feel?" I stared at the man blankly. _I still can't believe that Aunt Eliza and Uncle Jude sent me to a __**psychiatrist!**__ I'm fine; I've accepted what happened._ I thought to myself for the umpteenth time.

I looked down at my clasped hands, "I don't feel anything. I'm fine. I don't even know why I'm here."

I watched the doctor write something down, wondering what he could have possibly inferred from what I'd just said. "Let's talk about the accident and the events that followed," I narrowed my eyes at him, we'd already talked about this in our first session last week.

"I've already told you about the accident," I said, pushing my short, auburn hair out of my eyes.

"I want to hear the story again, to see if you've remembered anything else about it," I studied Dr. Nathaniel, his hair had fallen out with age, his mustache was gray, and his dark skin was wrinkled partially. He couldn't have been more than fifty, but he spoke like he was much older.

I sighed heavily and placed a mask on my features to block emotions from getting through, "I was driving with my dad in the passenger seat, I wasn't paying much attention to the road because I was angry with myself for letting my dad get so drunk at the New Years party. He turned and said something to me, distracting me further just as I was crossing an intersection. The last thing I remember about that night was a bright light through the window on my dad's side, and then a loud crash and jerking movement. The next thing I know I've woken up in the hospital with a broken wrist, fractured ribs, and fat lip. I asked a nurse where my dad was and she became very sad-looking. I started to panic at that point, realizing what had happened and that Dad might be in trouble," I took a deep breath as emotions from that night started to take over; the panic, the exhaustion, the depression and guilt that followed after I saw my dad lying on his hospital bed, and then the numbness that followed—the numbness that was still with me.

"Go on," Dr. Nathaniel prompted. I looked back down at my hands.

"He—he was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all of these monitors… he looked like he was sleeping. The nurse said that the doctor had tried everything he could, but it couldn't bring him back. He was brain dead. I remember sitting by his bed for hours crying and trying to get him to respond to me. My aunt eventually showed up and told me we had to leave, I went with her willingly enough. The funeral was a few days later, I was already living with my aunt since my mom had died in childbirth," the doctor started to write again, and that's when I realized I was crying.

"How do you feel about it now? The accident I mean."

"I'm sad of course. My father just died, the last parent left to me. The only parental figure I can remember. The man that knew just how to make me laugh when I was depressed, he knew just how to make vegetables so I would eat them when I was little—so of course I'm sad doctor. I just lost the best friend I'd ever had."

He blinked at me, I'd just said all of that in the simplest of tones, I knew it sounded like it didn't care, and I did. I just didn't want to let this doctor know how guilty I felt for killing my own father just because I can't drive.

"Is it true that the other driver was also driving while intoxicated? And that he is now in jail because this was his third offense?"

I didn't know why he was asking the question, but I answered anyway, "Yes."

"So you know that the accident wasn't your fault," it was my turn to blink at him, my muscles tensed and I pressed my nails into my palms to keep from exploding.

"Yes doctor, I know that the accident wasn't my fault," it took all the self-control I had not to say it normally.

"Well I think we're done here Joanna, if you'd like to go home now?" the way he said it sounded like a question.

"Great, thanks."

I power walked down the six flights of stairs from the office building into the parking lot. Once in my aunt's car I took a shaky breath and pulled out of the lot slowly. Ever since the accident, I did everything I could to stay at attention and not get distracted. I didn't even really want to drive anymore. It scared me to death, and every time I had to look out of the passenger window I would see my Dad's goofy face, and then the bright white light of the other car… I shook my head and pulled into my Aunt's driveway.

I walked inside and locked the door back behind me. "How was it?" I heard my Dad's sister call from the kitchen of her house. I still couldn't call this place home. Home was in the tiny apartment I used to share with Dad, the one that I had learned to walk in, the one I'd learned to talk in, and the one that I always had the best memories of my dad in.

"It was good I guess. How is a psychiatrist visit supposed to be?"

I kept walking and finally got to the room I had been assigned after I'd moved in. I still haven't moved anything or re-decorated it, so the room still looked too fancy and adult-ish for my taste, since it had once been the spare room and not meant for a teenager to live in. It has been about two months since the accident and I had gotten my wrist-cast off two weeks ago. My fractured ribs are supposed to take about three more weeks to heal though, because of the placement of the injuries. The pain from my ribs is not as bad as it once was, but I still wince whenever I sit down or move suddenly.

Before the accident I usually spent my weekends with Carson, my best friend, or with my dad. Now I just sit by myself and read or do homework. I know it's not good to let my feelings get so pent up and hide everything, but I couldn't help it. I don't know anyone who would be able to relate, and that psychiatrist is trying to force me into talking—something no teenager likes.

I sighed and changed out of my more than casual clothes and into a pair of old sweats and one of my dad's t-shirts. Most of his clothes still smell like him, well the pieces of clothing I kept do anyway.

I picked up the picture frame on my nightstand and looked at the picture of my dad and I. His face was covered in paint, like it usually was because of his job as a painter, and I had just jumped onto his back, both of us were so happy you could just tell on the picture that we loved each other more than anything. Carson was the one who took the picture, she had been over that day, and my dad had decided to come home for lunch instead of staying in his studio. Carson had just gotten a new camera and was taking pictures like crazy, which had annoyed me at the time, but now I'm glad she did. He came home with our favorite pasta meal from a little Italian restaurant next door from our apartment complex, and we'd ate and had a good time for the rest of Dad's lunch hour.

I smiled at the memory. My dad was no sports fan, he was no big bruiser that everyone was scared of, and he was my dad. He had wire-rimmed glasses, and wavy black hair. He'd had bright blue eyes just like mine, although the color in my own eyes has faded with the depression following the accident. He was too skinny for his own good, and did not have the stomach to hold down more than two glasses of alcohol, and I'd looked up to him like he was a superhero as a little kid.

Tears started to well up in my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away and got out my algebra homework.

The next day was Monday, and for some reason, when I woke up I could tell today would be different. I quickly got dressed into jeans and a plain black t-shirt, accompanied them with my converse. I messed my hair into place—glad for once that I'd cut it off and that it was completely straight—and sprinted out the door with my book bag to my aunt's car, where she was already waiting for me since I'd woken up late.

"Good morning Joanna, are you alright honey?" she asked me, seeing that I was kind of jumpy.

"Yeah, aunt Eliza I'm fine. Just woke up late. Hey girls!" I said turning in my seat to see my Aunt's three, blonde-haired brown-eyed princesses. Their ages ranged from three to seven. Marcy was the youngest at three, and idolized me for some odd reason, and always has. Lilly was in the middle at five, and was going through a stage where her answer to everything was 'No!' Sarah was the oldest at seven and was very stubborn and loved to be called Mini by her mom, because she looked just like her mother from her head down to her toes, while her two sisters looked closer to their father. Uncle Jude wasn't the world's skinniest man, but he wasn't really fat either. He was plump in the face and had mastered the skill of sounding exactly like Mickey Mouse. He had dark hair and green eyes, while his wife was blonde and had brown eyes.

"Joanna!" all three of the girls squealed at the same time. This was our morning routine. I would get in the car late, and the three of them would always have the most random questions for me. I liked it because it kept me from missing the silent but not awkward breakfasts and car-rides with my dad, and they liked it because I always gave them the funny answers instead of real ones.

"Why is the sky blue?" asked Marcy in her cute little voice. This was the first question asked every morning because I always gave them a different answer.

"Well, because it's the mommy of the sea, and since the sea is blue, the sky has to be blue."

The three of them giggled, "That's not true!" Lilly said.

I shrugged and smiled.

"Why does it always rain when the sky is gray?" asked Sarah.

"Because the sky is sad when it's gray, and the rain are its tears."

"Why would the sky be sad?" asked Lilly.

"Because it misses the sea."

"Kind of like you miss Uncle Randy?"

My smile slowly faded as I considered this question. "No, not like I miss Uncle Randy. I miss Uncle Randy more than the sky misses the sea."

Aunt Eliza reached over and squeezed my hand in her way of apologizing for her daughters reminding me of Dad.

I smiled at her vaguely, and got out of the car, not realizing we had been stopped in front of my school.

San Antonio High School was just as crowded as ever, and as I studied the people I was passing on my way through the front doors, Carson ran up to me in full on boy-mode.

"OMG! Joanna! There's a new guy! And he's _so_ cute!" she squealed in my ear, grabbing onto my arm and jumping up and down with excitement. I winced as she spun me around to face her.

"Oops, sorry! I keep forgetting about the rib thing."

"Carson, I don't care about a new guy right now. I just want to get to first period before I'm late," Carson pouted but I shook her off and smiled wanly at her. "Look, I'm sorry. Maybe at lunch, kay?" I asked. She nodded and skipped off, heading towards her first class.

So I was surprised to find, that when I'd walked into first period, the new guy was sitting in my desk. It was easy to tell he was new, because everyone was staring at him, but they wouldn't talk to him.

I walked up to him a little apprehensive, but I did it all the same. "You're in my desk," I said, noticing he was actually pretty cute, what with shaggy brown hair that fell into his gray eyes, and full lips.

He looked up at me and smiled a little, "Yeah, well it was the only one away from all of the freaks who keep staring at me," he said the last part a little loud, causing everyone that had been turned in their seats to quickly do a 360 and look towards the front.

I laughed, loud and clear and full. An actual laugh, one I haven't given since the accident. I covered my mouth in surprise as the room went silent, everyone staring at me now.

The new kid glared at everyone until they turned back around.

"Now, why did they turn around when you laughed? That was weird. It was like they'd never heard someone laugh before."

I laughed again, not as loudly as before, so no one turned around this time. I sat down in the desk right next to his—one that had remained empty since I'd come back to school after the accident. "Well, I was in an accident a few months ago, and I haven't really laughed since then."

My eyes widened, why was I being so honest with him? I don't even know his name yet!

"Why wouldn't you laugh after that, it's not like anyone died." I looked down at my hands, my hair falling over my face, hiding my pained expression. "Oh, I—I didn't know, I'm sorry. If you don't mind me asking, who was it?"

I looked up, "My dad."

"Well you still have your mom right?"

"She died when I was born. I live with my aunt now."

"Well at least you didn't just have to pack up and leave to move three-hundred miles from home."

I smiled at him, a true smile—although it was a weak one—but it was still a true smile, I could feel it meet my eyes. "True, I'm kind of lucky my Aunt Eliza and her family lived nearby."

He smiled and his eyes sparkled, "I'm Gavin by the way," he said, sticking out his hand.

"Joanna," I said, taking his outstretched hand in my own and feeling a spark travel up my arm. When he let go, I stared at my palm like I'd just noticed it was connected to my arm.

"Something wrong?" Gavin asked.

"No, no. I'm fine," but really I wasn't. Why had that happened? Why was I so honest with some guy I'd just met? I barely talked about the accident with Carson, let alone a stranger. This day was turning out to be as strange as I thought it'd be.

Algebra went by quickly, and once again I was grateful for having that class first. "Hey! Wait up!" I heard a voice behind me say.

I turned to find Gavin racing to catch up with me, and I noticed he was so much taller than me my forehead only reached his chest.

"Where is Mr. Feaster's room? I think it's English."

I stared at him, "Well, just follow me, 'cause that's where I'm headed. Let me see your schedule. I want to make sure the school system didn't just give you my schedule," I said as we walked, and he chuckled. Apparently, they didn't. He only had one other class with me and that was Chemistry last period, although we did have the same lunch period.

"Joanna! Did you—oh."

I looked up to see Carson standing in front of me, completely awed by how comfortable I obviously was with this new guy.

I laughed again, and Carson's eyes became wider, "Carson, this is Gavin, Gavin this is my crazy best friend Carson… who apparently can't stop staring at us."

Carson's cheeks flushed and she glared at me, I smiled another true smile, and the glare went away. Carson suddenly hugged me tightly and whispered; "I'm so glad you're back, I've missed my Joanna," which made me realize how worried I'd had Carson these past few months.

Gavin coughed loudly, obviously feeling awkward. I pulled away from Carson and said, "Well come on! We don't want to be late; Mr. Feaster is going to have a cow. He's a naturally angry person, and being late just makes him yell at you," I explained to Gavin as we walked quickly down the halls.

By the time lunch rolled around Carson was bouncing out of her seat. Apparently, she and Gavin had a lot in common. "Not enough for us to go out though," she said a little sadly. I laughed, "Although you two would make the _cutest _couple! He's perfect for you Joanna!" That statement had me stop in my tracks, but Carson wasn't paying attention, she was flirting with the guy she's been in love with since freshman year. I sighed heavily and kept walking, knowing Carson would get mad if I stopped her from getting her man… although I don't think Joey liked her as more than a friend.

"Do you not eat?" asked Gavin, sitting down at my empty table with enough food on his tray to feed three people.

"Well, me and Carson have made it a tradition to go eat somewhere everyday after school since freshman year… plus I'm never hungry. Especially not for _that,_" I said, pointing at the disgusting looking cafeteria food on his plate.

Gavin shrugged, "Eh, its food, isn't it?"

"Not if you care about whether you want to live past eighteen," said Carson, sitting down. She was practically glowing with happiness, and I notice her looking past me. When I turned I noticed Joey looking at her too, and as I watched curiously, he winked and I heard Carson giggle.

"What happened out there?" I asked Carson.

"Well, uh, you see… HE ASKED ME OUT!" she exploded, startling a few freshmen that had been about to sit down on the other end of the table, but now quickly walked away.

"Now look what you did, you scared away the fish!" Gavin said, looking after them with a fake sad look on his face. I laughed, so hard I started crying. Carson and Gavin laughed along with me, and once I was done laughing, I looked from Gavin's blank face to Carson's excited one and burst out laughing again.

"Are you finished? I would like to tell my story!" Carson said crossly. I immediately shut up, knowing that if I didn't there would be a bruise on my shin tomorrow.

"Fine, go on." I said, putting my head in my right hand and leaning my elbow on the table, letting it slide until the table stopped my progress. I put on a bored look. Which caused Carson to kick me underneath the table. _So much for not having a bruise, _I thought, rubbing my shin.

"Well, we were flirting, and then you left, and then…" I tuned her out and looked at Gavin, who in turn, looked at me. I nodded towards Carson, because I felt she needed to know I was listening, even though I wasn't. Gavin got up and threw away his tray. Amazingly, he was done with his food already. Then when he came back, instead of sitting across from me, like before, he sat next to me. I immediately sat up straighter, and actually began listening to Carson.

"…And then he asked me out! He's picking me up at seven on Friday!" she said excitedly.

"I'm so happy for you!" I said, with real enthusiasm. Carson and Joey had been talking about going on a date since this summer, but he'd never actually asked her to go out before.

"So what's the deal with this guy?" asked Gavin, amused.

"Oh, just the guy Carson has been fawning over since last year."

"I have not!" she said indignantly.

"Yeah you have. All I've heard from you since the first day of school last year was stuff about some cute boy in your math class."

She sniffed, "It's not my fault he stole my heart. And it's also not my fault they've always put him in my math classes!"

I smiled and looked at Gavin, who'd been watching the argument like it was a tennis match. He laughed his deep, throaty laugh, and I giggled a little myself. "Are you guys always like this?" he asked.

"Oh, some days we're much worse. One time we got into such a loud argument over a glue stick, we were asked to step outside by our teacher!" Carson said, giggling at the memory. I also laughed, because that was in fourth grade.

"I can't believe you remember that!" I said.

"Of course I remember it! That was the first day we became friends."

"And yet you two still fight like sisters? That's insane." Gavin said.

"It's not our fault no one's put us in an asylum yet," I said, shrugging.

Carson and Gavin laughed, and I smiled in turn. I'd forgotten how funny I could be, what with feeling so guilty over killing my dad and all. Now the smile was gone, and I grimaced like I'd just put something nasty in my mouth.

Carson looked at me, and knowing the sadness in my eyes, quickly stopped laughing and sobered up. "Not again," she whispered, looking at her hands in disappointment. I ducked my head and hid behind my hair, feeling even guiltier over making Carson worry over me so much.

"What?" Gavin asked, looking from me to Carson in confusion.

I shook my head, slapping a fake smile on my face and trying to act like I had been five seconds ago, "Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Oh, okay, so where are we going to eat today after school?" he asked, a goofy half smile on his face. I smiled a real smile in turn, loving how he'd assumed Carson and I would have invited him with us today… something we would have obviously done.

"I don't know, today is Carson's day to pick."

She looked up, and a mischievous look was in her eyes. "I think I want to go to Papa's Place," she said, a smirk taking over her features.

I groaned, "You know we went there on Thursday? Plus I had pizza on Saturday."

"They have stuff other than pizza. It's an Italian place! Get pasta or something."

Gavin got up from the table, "I think we should be leaving now. I'll just follow you guys to the restaurant, if that's okay?"

"Yeah, sounds great! See you there!" said Carson with too much enthusiasm.

_She's got a plan cooked up,_ I thought, shaking my head and walking with Gavin to his next class, then going to mine only a few doors down.

Throughout the rest of the day, and Algebra with Gavin, I was trying to figure out what Carson was planning. I didn't get it until we were already seated at the restaurant, and Carson said she had to go to the restroom before she had even sat down… needless to say, she never came back.

"So… is she going to come back?" asked Gavin after a while of us sitting in awkward silence.

"I don't think so," I said, looking down at my hands that were folded on the table in front of me.

"Oh, well I guess it's just the two of us then."

"I think that was her plan," I said, glancing at him from beneath my lashes. He smirked and picked up the menu, hiding his face from me.

I gasped, "You _knew_? How did _you _know?"

"She told me on the way to our cars, apparently I'm 'perfect' for you," he said, putting air quotes around the word perfect. I stared in horror at him, and groaned. Letting my arms extend and letting my head rest on them.

"My best friend is so embarrassing!"

"Hey, it's alright! I'm okay with it, I like it better when it's just you and me," he said, reaching out and taking my hands in one of his. I looked up as a spark seemed to start in my fingertips and end somewhere down by my toes.

"Did you just—?" I cut myself off, not wanting to seem crazy.

"Did I just what?" he asked, his brow furrowing.

"Nothing, never mind. Let's order," I said, taking my hands out of his and picking up my menu.

I don't remember what I ordered, I don't even remember eating it. All I remember is having the best time I've ever had since my dad died. We talked about everything, from hobbies to pets we had when we were little. No subject went untouched. I laughed more, and felt happier than I had in a long time.

Gavin drove me home, but instead of going straight there, I had him stop by a place outside of the city, it didn't take that long to get there, and it wouldn't take that long to get back either.

"Why are you making me drive out to the middle of nowhere?" asked Gavin.

"Make a left here," I said before explaining. "I used to come out here all the time with my dad. I just want to know if it still looks the same."

"Alright," he said. We sat in comfortable silence for the rest of the way, me giving directions occasionally. We eventually pulled to a stop next to a run down barn that had turned silver with age. The walls were still sturdy, and the roof hadn't caved in yet either. I got out of the car, and went to stand in front of the building.

"What's so special about this place? It's just an old barn."

I turned to look at Gavin, "It's not just a barn. This is where my dad and I came every Sunday to have a picnic while he painted this scene. It was a tradition since I was young. If he ever finished the painting, we would just move our picnicking place to a different angle." I turned back around to admire the old barn, "He never got to finish the last one, the very last angle. He said that when he had finished painting every last angle on this old barn, we would move to another location."

I wiped away the tears that had slid down my face, and felt Gavin's arms wrap around me. "You really miss him, don't you?" he whispered into my ear. I closed my eyes and lent into him, feeling like the closeness between us was meant to be.

"Yeah, but for some reason, you seem to make the pain and guilt disappear."

"Oh, really? How's this?" he asked, turning me around and pulling me so close I could feel his sweet breath on my lips. I closed my eyes and leant into him even more.

"Joanna," he breathed; I opened my eyes, and stared into his. He slowly started to lean into me, and I closed my eyes again in anticipation for the kiss that was inevitably coming.

But instead of the kiss being placed on my lips, Gavin kissed my forehead. I opened my eyes, disappointed that what I'd expected hadn't happened.

"Come on, let's go before your aunt and my parents get worried."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the truck, not able to do it coherently by myself. On the ride home we covered the subjects that we hadn't touched on.

"What did you mean back there by guilt?" Gavin suddenly asked.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, really having no idea what he meant.

"You said that being with me makes the pain and guilt disappear. What did you mean by guilt?"

I froze, not knowing what I should say.

"Joanna, what really happened in that accident?" he asked, taking my hand again.

"Gavin, I don't know if"—I was cut off as he squeezed my hand and the shock went through my limbs again. "I killed my own father on accident when I crossed an intersection and wasn't paying attention," I looked down, and hid my face behind my hair, not wanting him to see me crying.

Gavin stopped the car as we hit afternoon traffic, and then he unbuckled me from my seat and pulled me against him, comforting me as I sobbed into his shoulder. I felt the truck start moving again and started to move back to the passenger seat, but Gavin's arm locked tight around me and wouldn't let me move.

"Gavin, I need to put on a seatbelt, I don't want you to get a ticket," I said, sniffing and wiping my eyes. I was done crying, and was starting to feel embarrassed.

"Don't you move Joanna, I'm not going to let you go until we talk about this."

I sighed and stopped trying to slip out of his grasp. Gavin then pulled over into a parking lot and stopped the truck. "You did not accidentally kill your dad. What really happened during the accident?"

I told him about the accident, and how I hadn't been paying any attention, and when I was done, he squeezed me tighter to him.

"Joanna, you did not kill your father. The drunk driver that hit you did. It does not matter that you were not paying attention, if you had known the other car was coming; you would've had the sense and reflexes to get out of the way. The drunk driver, meanwhile, was not in his right mind.

I looked up at him hopefully, "Really? You think so? I don't have the right to blame myself because it _wasn't_ my fault! _I'm _not the one who caused the accident!" the epiphany seemed to take a huge weight off of my chest, and I seemed to be able to smile and concentrate more as Gavin drove me home. The next day, I was able to listen to Carson's stories without zoning out or getting bored. I could also listen to the teacher's more and my grades started going up noticeably. I no longer had to go to the psychiatrist, and I felt better with everyday I spent with Gavin. He, Carson, and I hung out everyday after school, and after that Gavin and I would go do something just to two of us. Weeks passed, and eventually I figured out my feelings for Gavin.

"Hey, Gavin?" I asked one day while we were sitting on his couch watching a movie. My head was on his chest, and his arm was around me (the usual way we did anything together).

"Yeah, Joanna?" he asked, tearing his gray eyes away from the movie to look at me intensely.

"What, exactly, are we?" I asked carefully, not wanting to word it wrong.

"What do you mean? We're friends, right?" he asked, squeezing me until I couldn't feel my hands.

"No, that's not what I mean. Do you not feel that?" I asked.

"Feel what, what are you talking about?" he looked like he didn't know what was going on.

"That, spark? That feeling like we were made for each other?"

"Are you talking about how I always want to be with you when I'm not, and if I am I don't want to ever let you go?" I nodded against his chest.

"That, and the fact that I haven't been this happy since my dad died," I looked up at him.

He sat up, somehow keeping me in his arms, and not letting me slip onto the floor. "Joanna, I didn't think you felt the same, or I would've done this a long time ago," and then he kissed me.

I never thought one kiss could've had this effect on a person. I never wanted Gavin to let go. All I wanted was for him to keep me here, in his arms, and with his lips pressed to my own.

"Wow," I breathed, when we'd finally broken apart, and our foreheads were pressed together.

"I love you," he said.

"You're the piece of myself that went missing when Dad died," I replied, smiling and kissing him again.

A few hours later, I was on the phone with Carson, retelling about my day with Gavin.

"Oh my God!" she squealed, making my eardrum vibrate so much I thought I'd lost my hearing. "I told you y'all would make a good couple!" she squealed again.

"Carson, if you don't stop that, I wont have anything to hear you with," I said, rolling my eyes, but smiling all the while.

"I bet he's sweet, is he sweet?" she asked, I could tell she was bouncing.

"Of course, I'll tell you all about it tomorrow."

"Fine, bye!" she pouted, and then hung up.

I closed my cell phone and lay down on my bed; glad I'd made Gavin help me re-decorate this room five days ago. The bright blues and purples all around me made me feel at home for the first time in a long while.


End file.
